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Posts Tagged ‘healthy-living’

i taught my first yoga class (in a real studio!) today.

holy hannah was i nervous before it started. and that might be an understatement.

but you know what? it wasn’t that bad.

and i might have been slightly rattled because on my way to the yoga studio a car honked at me while i was at a red light. so i thought, maybe i know this car? hmmm…nope. i’m not surewhat i’d done to these women, but they were shaking their fists at me, giving me the finger….shouting… i honestly, for the life of me have no idea what i’d done. i always check my blind spots, so i don’t think i cut them off… but i was so shocked that i walked into the yoga studio half giggling, half scratching my head as to what had just happened.

it’s kind of hilarious now that i’m looking back on it. at the time, not so much.

i had a serious case of butterflies when i started to teach, but after about five minutes i felt fine. i was helping people get into poses, and offering support and reminding everyone to breathe.

always remember to breathe.

i had to remind myself to breathe a few times.

i might not have said everything i wanted to at the right times, but you know what? i know it was my first class. the first class, in front of a group, and finding your voice is the toughest. so when everyone smiled genuine smiles as they left, thanking me for a great class, i felt so relieved. i felt so happy that the sequence i planned left people smiling. (after! i don’t think they liked me very much during some of the really intense hip openers, but that’s the way yin works. it’s a love hate relationship.) because i think of how yoga makes me feel, and knowing that they left the studio feeling better because of something i did, made me feel like i’d done what i came there to do.

it might not have been perfect, but what is? it’s the fact that i’m finally actually teaching and doing something i said i was set out to do that matters.

bring it!

 

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my head is filled with yoga these days. not just filled, but brimming. since finishing my yin teacher training a week ago, i’ve been humbled by how much i don’t know, and how much i want to learn. and that was just after a five day training! i am also scared to death to start teaching. but excited at the same time. do i sound completely scattered? i feel scattered. i might need to go and do some pranayama breathing to calm myself down.

and i have my moksha teacher training coming up in june. that’s only 86 days away. and it scares the shit out of me.

when i found out i was pregnant with April on that october day seventeen months ago, i had a panic attack. i was so scared to become a mother because i feared that my life was going to change in a way that i couldn’t control. there was no more Emily, singular. some women have looked forward to the day when they can become a mama since they were babies themselves. i have never been a “baby person.” i’d never even held a baby until my friend had her son a few months before April was born. and i had such high hopes for the year ahead of me, in that i was finally making enough money that i’d be able to take my moksha teacher training in 2011. and then i saw a plus sign on a pregnancy test. definitely not part of the game plan. i can honestly say that i was completely derailed for about a month. i didn’t tell a single soul for a week. and then i did with apprehension.

looking back on it now, i wouldn’t change a thing. April has brought so many smiles into our life, i honestly don’t know where we’d be without her and her little squeaks and snorts. and i’m doing my moksha teacher training. soon! i have so much support from Rob and my family to be able to take becoming a moksha teacher off of my goal list, and add it to the achieved list (once july hits, that is!) and in retrospect, what can we realistically control in our lives? we can control who we are and what we bring to the world, but that’s it. and even that isn’t certain.

i think the big ol’ lesson that i’ve learned since having a baby, is that my life hasn’t ended…it’s just required a bit of tweaking to still do what i want to do, and asking for a bit of help instead of trying to do everything myself. April has gotten me to slow down. to be more engaged, more present. to crawl around with her on the floor until she giggles because i’m chasing her, rather than sitting with my eyes glued to my facebook news feed to see if someone is going to i’m not sure what….and there is still time for that too, but i’ve realised who is important and what isn’t so necessary. i’ve become more focused. which is why i believe that moksha 2012 teacher training is becoming a reality for me. sometimes we need a little chaos and pressure to really break out of our shells and do the things that scare us the most. with lots of help along the way.

downward dog, anyone?

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for those of you who have done yin yoga…you know what it’s all about.

for those of you who have never done yin yoga, it’s a style of yoga where you are getting into the deep tissues (fascia) by relaxing your muscles, and holding poses for a long time. (if we learned anything throughout the teacher training, that was it. right there)

and why do we do yoga? because it feels soooooooo good.

so when you’re doing a yin teacher training, you hold the same poses. over. and. over. and. over. to practice. to learn about the poses. after awhile, your thoughts begin to change from ohhh this is a juicy stretch to i didn’t think that the course description had torture written anywhere on the advertisement….

and then you go home and you need to stretch some more because your muscles are tight from so much stretching. and then you do the same thing the next day. for four days in a row.

needless to say, i’ve taken a bit of a break from yoga since.

because all this deep tissue stretching might bring up some emotions. in fact, it will bring up emotions. it might even bring up emotions that you DIDN’T EVEN KNOW YOU HAVE.

yoga is funny like that. so as our instructor continually joked with us about opening our heart chakras a little more to let something else in, we inevitably WERE doing that over the span of four days. man oh man are my shoulders ever thrown back right now. i feel like a goddamn care bear, doing my care bear stare.

for me, the emotions that seemed to come up the most were the ones related to family. as the weekend continued, my thoughts shifted from feeling bad that i  was leaving April for as long as i did, to recognizing that by leaving her, i was able to grow and learn and explore within myself again. and how healthy it is to do that. often (i’d say often is a gentle emphasis) moms put themselves last. i mean, how can you not. if you have a frantic little person clinging to your leg, you can’t just shake them off like the family pet and tell them to go play by themselves. you need to stop what you’re doing, and deal with their anxieties. which can of course range from hunger, to sleepiness, to soggy bums….it really is a game of elimination most days to figure out what’s going on (though because we have a pretty consistent routine, it’s not hard to figure out what April’s whimperings are about most of the time.) and i don’t think i need to mention that when you’re constantly dealing with someone’s troubles  that aren’t physically your own, they do attach themselves emotionally. (i’ve yet to meet a mother who doesn’t instantly try and quiet her baby’s cries.)

so there it is. i think i said it before (on valentine’s day, coincidentally!) that opening your heart sometimes is about doing something good for you so that you can feel enough satisfaction and gratitude towards yourself to spread that lovin’ energy to other areas of your life.

it’s what gives us the juice, the vigor, and the excitement to jump out of bed in the morning and say, “okay world! bring it on, i’m ready!” with love, of course.

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